Now his wagon is loaded, he's pullin' away....

I'm on my way to my last Physics GCSE exam earlier today; and I 'tweet' "Bibby ‏@7HTAS

This merchant navy contract I am waiting on; I don't think I have wanted anything more in my life."  - Just 5 minutes after this; my Dad rings me, and tells me the good news. There's an envelope with lots of papers that need signing to be picked up.  My contract for my Merchant Navy training.  The feeling eclipsed that time I got a Sega Saturn for Christmas, and there was me, thinking that feeling would never be surpassed.

So, it all seems a little closer to fruition now- That dream of navigating boats around the world, and to be paid for it, is one step closer for me...never mind the working dream, but there's the dream of living on my own little yacht, somewhere in the Mediterranean which now seems a little step closer too.  I guess now, I can draw a line in the sand, and move forward- God...I sound like one of those god awful managers that exist, in call centres, just below operational management level! 

Over the past few years, I've spent hours and hours....days, daydreaming about where my life is going to take me; will I find what I am looking for? Will I ever be satisfied? I guess the way I see things now, are much more philosophical; and I am not afraid in the slightest of following a dream; or pursuing something that I want. I guess I owe that to my idols; William Willis, Fred Rebell- I need to add Moitessier to that list now; after recently finishing the fantastic "The long way"

I think back to my life in 2007; working in a plankton level job, in a banks' call centre; on 12k. 27 +stone, depressed to fuck, revelling in crapulence.  The wake up call that put my arse into gear about my health and weight, was going to the doctors; and being told; "You are morbidly obese, your blood pressure is high, and you are diabetic" I decided then, I was going to sort out the mess I was in. Everything was a mess; I was, my life was,  I was going nowhere....fast.  Ultimately, I was not enjoying living.  

Since that point of realising change was essential, and a long term career was needed, I have been plugging away, bit by bit, getting to where I am now.  A few credit control jobs, here or there, and a bit (Lot)of time on the dole, which in it's self has been challenging- My friends in my home town doubted me, and had their two cents about me not working, and to a certain extent, there was times where I doubted myself.  Sure, I could have maybe got a full time job, a long term job, but I would have regretted not following my dream for the rest of my life. I've hated being skint all the time, and I thank God for the people who are close to me, for putting up with my apparent lack of...well...money!   Living on buttons can be rewarding, especially when you can eat for a week, pretty comfortably; off £20.00 (thanks to ALDI), and you see people in Tescos spending £££'s on their weekly shops!  But, on the other side of the coin, it's shit, because there's not much else spare; if you want to buy anything, or go anywhere.  I set myself a goal, and I've kept plugging away until it has been reached;  there was a point in 2010, when I had my 2nd rejection letter from the Royal Fleet Auxilary; where I was just thinking of throwing in the towel- I'm glad that I didn't, and that I am here now; seemingly in a better position than I would have been had I have joined the RFA- I would have been a Coms' rating. Being a deck officer suits me better anyway! I feel like the Dad, in Little Miss Sunshine.  

I'm buzzing right now. 

There's still a long way to go, before I'm relaxing on the deck of my own Contessa 32; happy with my life, and career, with an ice cold glass of Sangria, watching the sun set over a cloudless Mediterranean sky. You might be thinking "he's got his head in the clouds this one" - Well, it all began back in 2007; static, in a seemingly prospect-less job, shockingly unhealthy. I'm the turd that won't flush. I'm about 9 stone lighter; I am the fittest I have ever been; and most importantly, I'm happy, and I have my training to look forward to. There's work to be done; but I'll be damned if all this has been for nothing! I want to enjoy the shit out of my life. 

Thanks for reading x

Ride your bike, ride your bike, ride your bike.

I don't think 350 miles is my record for a weeks milage; but it certainly felt like it. I guess the heat has taken more out of me, than riding that distance usually would.  I suppose it's all helping towards me getting myself in shape. I have lost about 8lb so far this month; and I reckon I'm possibly going to lose another stone or so in June. I've got some big rides planned (Bangor, in wales, 140 miles round trip; and Buxton, Derbyshire, also 140 miles ish) Obviously; the Buxton ride is going to be a killer; due to the terrain being very lumpy!  Last Sunday, I went out to the Cycling cafe (which I am now banned from), and went across over to Helsby, and Frodsham way with my club; which I enjoyed; It's nice to ride to new places. I done some speed riding on Monday, and Tuesday; and on Wednesday, I went out with two lads from the cycling club, Mark W, and Rob H, on a midweek "dole run" - we went to The Ponderosa cafe, which self applies the handle "The shop in the clouds" 

It's always satisfying to get up to the top; after all the hard work of riding uphill for that long. When you're on the road, pumping away, head down, sweat pissing out of you, staring at the floor, wondering when all the suffering is going to end; you are often passed by leather clad ball bags on their super charged super bikes, at very high speeds! Every time they whiz past, I can't help but think of that episode of southpark, about motor cyclists being attention seeking faggots. When you finally get up, and in the cafe, only then can you fully appreciate the motor cyclist in close quarters...generally with massive beer guts, and shit metal band tour T shirts from 1997.  The food on offer in the cafe certainly caters for them; massive, and I mean massive, almost astronomical potions of pie, chips, and gravy. Mmmmm.  The last thing you want, when you've got to ride all the way back to Birkenhead.  I opted for beans on toast, and I was shocked when they had 50/50 bread! The manoeuvres that some  of  them pull on their bikes are nothing short of idiocy. That "Think Bike" advert, where there's arrows pointing to motorcyclists, being people, with families; I appreciate them trying to personify bikers, in an attempt to get moronic car users to take more care. If you ever seen some of the shit that these nut sacks pull on the horse shoe pass; you'd just laugh at that advert, like I do.  

On Saturday morning, I ticked off a cycling "to-do"- I rode out to frodsham, and then headed over the Runcorn bridge! It was pretty shit to be honest. It stank of shit, and the expressway was hair raising at 32mph; with lots of cars beeping! I've introduced a new school of thought with sign gestures, at motorists; rather than pop them the conventional V's, I just try to confuse them, by either doing a rocking baby motion, or getting my pump out my back pocket, and proceeding to cast a spell on them. I fucking hate morons AND cars. I don't think I want to ever own a car again. 

Sunday's club run started with a slight hiccup! I got asked, so politely by the current owner of the Eureka cafe; if I could not come to the cafe again, if I'm not buying anything. She went on to say that "you come in here week after week, and just get water" and that she has a business to run. Which is fair enough, right? I was half expecting it, as a few weeks ago, I asked one of the girls for some "council pop" and she  jumped in and informed me that it wasn't council pop, and that they were on a meter; I did detect a slight twinge of animosity! So, rather than pull me to one side; and have a quiet word; she walks up to me, and embarrasses the living shit out of herself, and me in front of the rest of the Vics.  When she walked away, a few of the lads said "That was a bit harsh" - and at the time, I was quite pissed off. I've been in there quite a bit over the years and when ever I do have money spare; which in my current situation, is not very often, I will buy things, usually a hot chocolate, toast, or a cup of green tea. I was put off getting food from there, when I ordered a cup of tea, with poached egg and beans on toast...handed a tenner in, and got £1.20 back.  I'm not in a position to be flashing the cash on things that are over priced. She obviously assumes that I am like the consensus clientèle that frequent the cafe; just to be a prick(as always), and generalize; are middle aged men, with more money than sense. Cycling weekly subscribers. Leg shavers. Most of them have a massively expendable income; which is why, they can turn up at the mills, on their carbon fibre pinarellos' and pay £2.50 for a tracker bar, endorsed by lance the druggy; and buy "energy gels" that cycling weekly instructs them that they "need". I can go to aldi, and get a pack of wholegrain fruit bars, that will do the same job; 6 for a pound. £2.50 gets me my breakfast in for the entire week. If I'm struggling for money; which I am; it makes sense for me to buy my energy drinks on-line, in bulk. So, now, because I don't buy anything, I'm not welcome there any more. My club meet there; week in, week out- they even have their club meetings there; which all puts precious money in her till.  My club mates all spend a shit load in there! Will my club mates stand by me? Will there be any solidarity for the fat cunt?  Boycott the cafe?  Of course not. The mills is the cycling centre of the universe. They've met up there since before time began. Can't change history; or habits, can we? 

 So, sadly, my Sunday runs now, will be solo. I am not riding out to the mills, and waiting outside in the fucking bus shelter for the lads to come out and meet me; like a naughty school kid. The bus company might get an anonymous tip off, that I'm using their shelter, and I am not a PAYING customer.  I could just go in there, and buy juice; just to appease her; or even a bottle of water- which would be fair; I spend; she gets money out of me- but I'm just not willing to now, after how she went about it. Consider this cyclist, alienated. I doubt the impact will have any dent at all on her income.   I'd know, each time I'm there, paying for my bottle of water, or juice, that she's probably burning inside, and counting the little drops of money going in her till. Cycling....the new golf.  I hope I never have that kind of relationship with money. She's obviously never struggled with money before! 

Impatience bites.....

 I sit here watching a documentary trailer for a guy called Nick Jaffe; who is featured in an up and coming sailing documentary (See here for the link) - Although I am a particular sucker for such documentaries I am eagerly anticipating watching the finished article; when it is released for download, next month; ugh, I'm excited about cringe worthy digital media.....and if you have to pay for it, I won't be watching it-  although, the one aspect of the trailers that would get a 'thumbs down' from me is the soundtrack; which in my honest opinion is questionable- but then again, I am pretty funny when it comes to music. I'm a bit of a music Nazi. There was a point in one of the trailers, where Nick was quite simply overcome with raw emotion as consequence of his awe inspiring surroundings; and that is the moment that I am personally looking forward to experiencing first hand.

I can't help but be envious of what Nick has managed to achieve. Nick, like the greats who have inspired my interest in ocean crossings,  Rebell, Slocum, Motessier, Willis, etc had that compulsion within; to get in a small boat, and just sail away from it all. Letting go, casting off the shackles of society, saying "fuck you" to everyone else; and just getting out there.....alone....with the grandeur of nature; unadulterated in all it's glory- the sea- the sky- the elements.  I like to think that I have the same compulsions.  I'm 27 now; and I should have at least got in a sail boat by now; you'd think; especially having such an ardent interest in ocean crossings on small vessels; but I haven't; well, apart from when on holiday in Tenerife; but it was a pretty big yacht.  Sometimes you get caught up in one thing and another; and you end up putting things off and before you know it, life has passed you by. I think for this dream of mine to be some quixotic fad is completely not the case. I think the main reason I haven't already embarked on anything is due to financial restraints, although there was one point on that lilo in Majorca where I was pretty far offshore.  I have spent the past 4 years trying to get myself in the Merchant navy as an officer; to enable me to work, doing something I want to do; and have the working patterns of a few months on and a few months off; so I can get all this shit done.  The target is well and truly locked! Granted; I am a few years off the point where I'll have my own Yacht; the plan is, once I am qualified as a Deck Officer; and I have some funds in the bank; I intend on getting myself a Contessa 26 yacht; on which I will hone my sailing skills; and finally achieve a very long term dream. I'd hope that with my training as a deck officer; I'll be able to transfer my nautical skills into sailing, and pick up the ropes quickly. I'd like to spend my time off work cruising; not only for the prospect of saving money, but it's all experience that will assist with my ultimate goal of circumnavigating the globe; which is something I plan on doing in later life; like my hero, William Willis; although, I'm not really sure a balsa wood raft would be my method of transport.  I have no intentions of writing about it; I'm not really sure there would be that much interest anyway. One thing about watching Nick's documentary was the Camera factor; would I really want to have them personal moments captured on film, and showed to other people? I'm not sure it would be the right thing for me personally; plus; I wouldn't look good on a camera at all! I would see the camera as intrusive; and my dream doesn't involve attaining acclaim, or anyone's respect; I am doing it for me.  I quite liked  Benedict Allen's one man cam-a-thon; with the ice dogs in Siberia. You got more of a feeling of authenticity from knowing it was just him there. I have no time at all for the likes of Bear Grylls or what ever his name is. Film crews; and all the stuff behind the cameras; that you don't see; luxuries and the like! A gang of frauds!



I would like to embark on a project that I could write about; and maybe raise some money for charity in the process; and I have done quite a bit of research into the field I am interested in- Pedalling across an ocean. I was following a guy called Greg Kolo-something or other; from Canada and his "Pedal the ocean" project. I was a little critical of his boat design, and also the "sea trials" that he was doing on a lake; weren't really worthwhile; as I wouldn't of thought emulating the roaring 40's would be possible on a lake- I think I did message him on facebook; but attained no response- and in fairness, he's probably had a tonne of people tell him what they think, and who am I to be taking advice from?  - In any case; he abandoned his project; I think, due to safety concerns.  I am toying with the idea of building an ocean going vessel powered by pedal- I figured that I could combine my love of cycling distances, with my interest of crossing oceans. I managed to ride 116 miles in 6 hours 45(ish) - and while it's not exactly a world beating time; I am still carrying a lot of weight more than I should be; and I think I have a lot of potential to improve as an athlete. I've done a few monster rides; and every time, I have always got back, and thought to myself, I could carry on all day. Which is why I have always entertained these thoughts of pedalling the ocean.  I have had a word with a friend about the actual physical side of it, and also the mechanics of building a pedal system that would be able to turn a propeller- He has contacts with an engineering chap that could build me a pedal system; so what's one aspect sorted. I have not even though about a boat design yet; when I'm surrounded by the right people; I will start to ask questions; but where I am in life at the moment, there aren't really many people I can call upon for advice on things nautical related.  The guys at ocean pedal challenge seemed to have all of their bases covered, with their vessel design and is  a well sponsored project; it looked the part but not long into their second voyage; they called it off for safety concerns. I believe they will be trying again, third time lucky might be the case? I hope so.


 So what is needed, is a boat that is able to withstand massive swells, take a beating from waves and wind; and still be able to make progress; with all that in mind. Christ knows? Jason Lewis (http://www.expedition360.com/) managed to get around the world on human power alone(not just pedaling oceans though) so suggesting a successful solo ocean crossing wouldn't be the acme of foolishness! I would like to do it quicker than Jason though; and I don't think what he has achieved would be something I would embark on emulating. What a seriously heroic feat. The media has hardly batted an eyelid for any of the projects I have previously mentioned; yet; when one of Jordan's tits slips out of her bra in some atrocious London night club; it becomes front page material! I went to my Nan's quite a few times last week; and she gets The Mirror delivered every day; and it's seriously difficult for me to put into words how remedial the people who contribute to it must think 'we' are. I wouldn't go out of my way to read a red and white tabloid, I was merely passing the time. There it was....  the continuous demise of Simon Cowell's life, throughout the week- if the old seven day adventists are to be believed; then surely the demise of Cowell in one week is possible, if God can create the world in the same amount of time?  Who cares? How does this shit sell? Then there was a shockingly terrible article about Great White sharks; it had that much of an impact on me that I have forgotten what it was about; but I remember it lacking serious scientific facts about sharks- in fact it was about some "shark whisperer" - it failed to mention tonic immobility; which the entire story was based on. So the public are left thinking that this ball bag goes around fingering Great Whites into a submissive state. You should have heard the sigh I let out.  So many reasons to want away . . . . . .


So . . . back to reality. It's raining, the dog is depressed because it's raining, and I seem to just be in constant daydream mode;  My mobile phone has completely perished; the screen no longer works; I don't really care.  I have no intentions of replacing it.  I get my dole money this Wednesday; and I'll have about £50.00 to live off for 2 weeks; oh the recurring joys of having to live off the government. I hope I can find a job to get me through the summer, until I start my cadetship.  I've today purchased Dom Jolly's Dark tourism, after being told about it by Mark; one of the guys in my cycling club. As soon as he told me that Dom visited an Iranian ski resort; it was sold to me; "right up my street" I thought; and the first chapter is now out of the way; and I'm looking forward to the rest of it.


Time to walk the dog....

Dan

I wonder, how far from here we'll fall?

I wonder, when I see those annoying "swot the fly to win an I-pod" type pop ups; are people actually that stupid? Does the Go Compare advert actually make people want to go on their website, and compare? I know I don't want to compare anything, EVER again to be honest. Do people really believe that people in Clonmel say "there's method behind the Magners" and it's not some faux dictum created in some magnolia walled, laminate floored board room in some soul-less city?  I won't even go there.

It seems, in this market based society that we live in- that everything and anything is for sale- sell sell sell. For me, on a personal level; I find it cringe worthy! I'd like to think, on a personal level, these attempts to get my custom are counter effective- in fact, I am the type of person who will not forget these "transgressions"- as I like to call them! For example- the food chain Iceland had Kerry Katona, mincing about, posing as a bona fide representation of efficient motherhood and wholesomeness; which vexed me, more than words could represent. I vowed to myself, that I would never ever shop in Iceland ever again; and I haven't- I actually e-mailed Iceland telling them, 'thanks to their forward thinking marketing department; creating the concept of depicting that horrid talentless coke head slag as something she's not' has lost them a customer for life.  A little harsh you might think, but I always remember seeing a clip of Katona on some Living TV programme, prior to her pop career- and it was painstakingly apparent then; than she was a horrible person, and probably a coke head. I made my mind up then, and after just now checking on her wiki page; I was initially pleased that it informed us she was a lap dancer; and topless model, prior to her squeaky clean pop career- yet it omitted the Living TV thing- that seemed a little Stalinist- then, after skimming her page; I noticed that Iceland had ended their contract with her in 2009, because of photographs of her snorting cocaine. How fucking great am I? I'd like to think that that person at Iceland's customer care hub, who read my e-mail back in 2002-ish was feeling a bit small back when it all came out....no...I don't think so either. I doubt it was even read to be honest. The fact remains; while there are people out there who think about things; a vast majority of people are happy not to think at all; and are happy to have what they eat, wear, drink, and listen to; drilled into them by the relentless multimedia machine that is instrumental in the society we live in and it's quite scary, isn't it?  Cold calling, street salesmen, junk mail, pop ups, annoying commercials; they're all on the increase. What the fucking hell is going on? 

 I've always loved observing trends, weather it's fashion, or even music tastes. Try speaking to people about it on an individual basis though! It's a pretty sore subject- they don't want to talk about it- they see them selves as 'individuals' - Fashion is pretty hilarious at the moment; styles will be portrayed, via pop stars on music videos, or 'notable' people in magazines, this usually coincides with the swankier retailers in clothes having the stock; so that the "edgy" types, can buy into the shit first. Then, after about 6 months (although, it used to be longer than this) you'll see jarg versions of what was "edgy" being sold in Primark in mass bulk. Ahh Primark . . . where fashion goes to die.  It seems these days that fashion is sort of dissolving into one big melting pot; and there doesn't seem to be that much diversity- that, or I'm out the loop and I'm glad. I always remember getting myself a pair of Converse All-Star shoes, about 11 years ago- and I was out in Moreton cross in the big house. This was around about 2001 ish; I was under age, and I was drinking in the pub- and I had my converse on, and some fat, ginger, four eyed wank stain, who was a hanger on, of one of the "big cheeses" in the cross shouted at me "eeeeee, get on you in your gay pumps" - "Dangermouse is looking for you" I replied. The blank look on his moronic face suggested my rip had been wasted. Flash forward 8 years (yes, I usually leave it 8 years between visits to Moreton cross) and I'm in the bighouse, and the aforementioned blert; is standing at the bar, only now, the coke head indie fun boy fashion seems to have altered a little....what has Liam Gallagher been wearing? Actually, I doubt Liam Gallagher would wear all stars, but, you know what these 'oasis' fans are like these days; pretty much any band that gets a mention in the nme is cool, and the arctic monkeys are cool, and everything is fucking cool 'man'- including 'gay pumps' apparently. Mind you, I'm a little late in pointing this out; as all stars have pretty much gone full circle. . They're shit anyway; they don't last five minutes(a bit like the credibility of contemporary indie bands -arf arf arf) Practicality for me, now-  It's funny how the consensus acts towards things alien to it, collectively. I remember when red hair would be frowned upon, by the brainless herd; now (well, not exactly, RIGHT NOW, but recently) because pop stars like Rhianna have red hair....they do as well. The North End of Birkenhead is a hilarious place to observe such things. 

This is me; shortly after a arriving in Conwy last Wednesday. ; I went with Nick who is also in my cycling club. The weather was amazing! 116 miles in total! It was like a summers day. Yes, I know; I look like I've got special needs. What else can I expect, being over weight, and wearing lycra....anyway- it all serves a purpose. It was a thoroughly enjoyable ride; there was one occasion where I jumped off my bike and called out an angry motorist that nick had called a knobhead, after he walked his dogs into the road....in our path...and then decided to chase us in his ever so masculine Mini- he was shouting "say it to my face" and sort of driving close to us; then coming back to shout more; all the while I was getting vexed; I could see he was considering kicking off; and so was I,  so I just jumped off the bike and offered him out. I am very surprised that I haven't got into an actual fight since I began cycling. I've chased cars; and had words with people who have pissed me off. I'm worried, if I'm honest...all that adrenaline pumping; my heart rate in it's optimum zone for the fight mechanism......then some blert in Conwy was taking the piss out of us; so I told him "shut up you prick" - to which he replied "you prick" - creativity shows there.....then he called me a "fat prick" - so I called him a bald prick.  People really let themselves down don't they? Pathetic. Weightloss= free. Slaphead reversal? Not possible. 

I was still feeling tired on Sunday; so ended my club run prematurely; yet still got 65 miles in the bag- I was really really tired though. It didn't help matters that one of the lads ran over a squirrels jaw; and we had to "put it out of it's misery" - I really don't like seeing anyone or anything hurt.  This week I'm hoping to get about 200 miles in the bag. I've looked at my weight loss calendar; and I've lost 6lb, in 8 weeks. Quite disappointing really; I wanted to be in the eitghteens- but today's weigh in confirmed that I am 19 stone 3 lb! I need to adjust my diet accordingly. This is getting REALLY old now. 

I fancied going out to Liverpool on Sunday for a few beers; but after doing the maths it became apparent that I am socially handicapped. Not a bad thing really! It's only spending money that I haven't got; and in all honesty; I'm getting a big long in the tooth now to be going out all the time- has the white flag been raised? I think so, for the time being- when ever I go out; I just feel like "what the hell am I doing here, I don't have anything in common with any of these people" - I guess it's always been like that for me; only now it's younger people....people ten years younger.....I was pondering to myself yesterday that I am soon to be 30; it's big isn't it? It's like the half way point of life...although I'm sure life expectancy averages are in the 80's now, so I guess I've got another 12 years before I'm half way there...that is providing I have an average life span. I certainly hope so. I'm very morbid, aren't I?

I'm still on the edge of my seat waiting for confirmation of my Cadetship; something else that is getting old as well. I should hear something in the coming weeks; and I'll be able to relax, knowing that the past 4 years of working towards this has not been ill-spent. I watched Spielberg's Warhorse and being the nasty anti mainstream boffin that I am, was very very surprised as how impressed with the film I actually was. The layers were there for me to see; the symbolism, the foreshadowing etc; and the storyline was somewhat predictable; but I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Very impressed with the production. But you'd expect that with Spielberg, wouldn't you? 

I've got the gap in the rain that I've been waiting for; or so the met officer forcast tells me. It's usually wrong- in any case- I am off out on the bike for a few hours. 

Bangor on dee 24/03/2012

This morning I was excited! I'd gotten up early; had a massive bowl of honey nut cheerios; and I went out on my bike for a few hours. I don't usually go out on my bike on  a Saturday; but, tomorrow is Evie's birthday; so my Sunday run will also be a short one. I was excited because it was going to be a sunny day; and I was going to Bangor on dee racecourse with my Mum, Dad, and Evie; my dad is usually very reluctant to do anything, or go anywhere; so I was quite pleased to be going.  The first race however; really put a dampener on the rest of the day....and I'm still gutted as I write this now at 8pm.

I was between the winning post and the last fence; when the horses were making their way around the course on their first circuit. Olivino; hit the second fence; and took a crashing fall. The other runners proceeded; as you'd expect; and poor Olivino got up; and it soon became apparent that one of his front legs was broken. He continued to run, not bearing any weight on his broken leg; which was hopelessly dangling down; and then some of the course staff managed to stop the horse just past the finish line. The green privacy covers went up; to prevent the onlooking crowds from seeing the vet 'attend' to the horse- from where I was standing, I could see what was going on; the vet came over; and literally seconds after he looked at the horse; I heard a loud clatter; and the horse went from being stood up; to lying on the floor. For a split second; I was questioning myself; why was the horse on the floor all of a sudden; why is it kicking it's legs? Then, almost as an afterthought; I'd realised that the horse had been "destroyed" as they call it; and the forlorn movements of the horses legs we're simply the horses nerves; it's brain hopelessly shooting out it's last electrical impulses to no avail. A life ended; right before my eyes. 11 years on the planet; gone in those circumstances- with a bullet to the head.  I felt upset; and the rest of the day; as I continued to pick horses; and read all the form; it was marred by that vision of Olivino's legs thrashing around.

A sense of guilt came over me. I was there as a punter. Someone paying money; to see horses run. Betting on the horses to run. Was I contributing to Olivino's demise? And all the other ill-fated horses who have had their lives cut short for our pleasure? If I go down this path; I end up getting angry with the flag wavers that protest against horse racing; and frustrated at the wealthy people involved with owning the horses; who just see them as numbers or hobbies and care little about the welfare of the individual animal. I've just 'tweeted' my sincere condolences to the owner of Olivino; on Twitter  and he replied "many thanks he gave us so much fun great memories. Never knew how to fall #ripolivino #legendofahorse" - If I owned a horse that had been put down, I'd be well and truly gutted- not because of the money 'lost'; but because my horse had died!  I shouldn't really judge anyone by my standards though. I'm sure the guy is upset.  I'm not waving any flags here; or pushing any causes. I couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen to the horses body? I bet the people who look after the horse; the people who brought the horse to race; would they be gutted, going home with an empty horse box?  At the end of the day; these animals are bred to race and serve their purpose .  They are made for it. If they banned horse racing; quite a high percentage of the Thoroughbreds alive in the UK would be killed- surplus to requirements. There's no way of knowing for sure; people in the industry will give you conflicting numbers, from the "work a day for world piece" hippies that you see giving out leaflets in town centres with pictures of shaved one eyed mongrels in cages.  I was reading a report from the Guardian that went undercover, posing as a racehorse owner who had some horses that weren't up to standard; when calling a specialist horse abattoir (that seemed to confirm that many racehorses that are no longer viable to keep are sent to France for meat 3,000 per year) - I don't really read into this; they also report how much horse meat "we" export to France. France has it's own racing industry; would it really in-source that much meat from us? It's in a news paper any way. They're all liars. Is horse meat that commercially viable?  If the statistics are half true; it's an outrage that the very people who make their millions out of horses are failing to put the horses welfare first- they're all liars too.  Apparently; of the 4000 race horses that retire each year; only 90 are catered for by the industry. Horses cost around 4K a year to keep; not including vet bills.  I don't know what the answers are really; and I don't know what to believe. 

 I know that today will stay with me. At this point in life; it's not financially viable for me to be involved in horse racing; it really is a sport for the rich. I love horse racing, and I love horses; and who knows where my career at sea will take me; and to what heights my income will rise to. I know that I would one day like to have an interest in a race horse; but I'd like to be as involved as possible; I'd want to know the horse and know it would be looked after after it's racing days are over. I wouldn't see it as a hobby; I'd see it as something much more. But then; how would it affect me, if it was my horse that was destroyed? In fact I'd one day just like to actually own a horse; racing or not. When ever I go out on my bike (alone) I occasionally  stop and say hello to them; as most of my rides involve the countryside; and around here horses in the countryside are common as muck. I guess this is all in an "ideal world" - and I'd be here all day blathering on about what I would, and wouldn't do. 

Right now; I want to forget about horseracing. 

Rotting in the doldrums...

Not much to report in the life of DMB at the moment. I'm eagerly awaiting a letter from Clyde Marine Training, offering me my place for September; hopefully at Fleetwood Nautical Campus. I feel as though my life is dangling from a thread; awaiting this confirmation; and it's all become a little bit too central to my whole existence. It is, in essence the metaphorical doldrums. I've been getting my head down with college; in a fashion; and doing a little more cycling; which I'll discuss in due course.   I just need to keep focusing; on that first trip of an officer; in particular the end  of that trip; where I sign off, and I'm off for a few weeks; with a healthy bank balance!
 Today was Evelyn Mae's 5th Birthday; and as usual Emma prepared her a little party; with food; and invited my family around; something she does every year. I was made up my Nan came down as well and my Mum, Dad, Chris, and baby Carter (Chris's little nephew)- My Nan was made up; you know what old people are like with babies! Cat nip for the old, I always say.

On the subject of the merchant navy; at the weekend I went with the vics (my cycling club) to watch one of our members'; Mr Walmsley running his "half" marathon. I got talking to some old cunt who was wearing a Subsea 7 boiler suit; which is one of the companies I may end up with. I got talking to him; and it became apparent I was talking to an older version of myself; except; he was much more xenophobic towards Scottish people than I ever could be. I agreed with much of his rants; about society going down the pan; the government keeping us dumb, and just enough into the red so we don't decide enough is enough. I told him my plans, and he reckons that I'm on the right track (getting out of the UK) - He was telling me about his house that he'd had built in Malaysia; and his 21 year old wife who was "fit as a butchers dog"; him owning the house sounded like a contractual minefield involving solicitors and none existent companies; I think it was this point that the fork was stuck into the road.

Fat people in lycra need banning; the way I see it though is I should be moving fast enough for people not to notice; and I would like to think that my fellow club members are desensitized to it by now.  This is getting to the top of "the steps" 

This is me and sean getting to the top of World's End; which I have to say is one of my favourite climbs

Into the red . . .I suppose it doesn't help when your hair brained fellow rider is trying to get you to "time trial it" out to Chester; before these wretched climbs! 

The picture doesn't do it justice; it really is one steep hill.

This month I have climbed the steps twice; world's end twice; the old shoe, and the new shoe. Now; those little monikers might not jump out at you as things that are horrendous; but I assure you; when you're riding your bike up them; they are. Coming back from Llangollen yesterday; I was just too far into the red; so I told the guys to head on without me. I enjoyed the isolation, and going at my own pace. One thing I can say about myself is I know how much I've got left in the tank; I think some solo rides out to north wales are in order! I was nearly ran off the road by a moron driving a articulated lorry full of Chickens...he passed me at speed; then moved in; it's possible he forgot about his trailer!  I also went out with Vita Cycles club last Saturday; which was very enjoyable- lots of riders on very spiffing bikes; and it's always better to ride in a Group.  I'm going to start going out with them on a Saturday morning for as long as my welcome lasts with them. I didn't get weighed last week; and I'm waiting until next week for my next weigh in; so hopefully I'll have reached the eighteens; if I haven't I'll be gutted.