I'm not entirely sure how accurate they are, and if there's actually people in Romania, Russia or U.S.A who read all this drivel that I come out with, but on the off-chance that there are people in the aforementioned places: Many thanks, and I'm sincerely humbled by your interest. I don't personally know anyone in any other countries; that I know of off the top of my head. I know it's hardly a viral internet sensation, but it is nice to know that people read this, considering it's just something I do for personal reference, and I seldom "share" it. In other news, I am happy to see the back of the festive season. Before it all started; I was steadfast that I wouldn't get involved with the seasonal crapulence; but just decided "if you can't beat them, join them" - highlights of the whole shi' bang was probably yesterday; Emma my ex partner (Mother of Evie) took me out for the day to Liverpool. Had a truly amazing meal at Bem Brasil in Liverpool. I walked past there after my Merchant Navy interview; and I had a little nose in; and thought it looked like a nice place to go; then after hearing from a friend that it was an "all you can eat" steak place, decided that I wanted to go there. Out of the blue, Emma asked me if I wanted to go for something to eat; which was quite surprising, after trying to go the red hot buffet, and nando's- I suggested Bem Brasil; I also suggested it in text, and on the way over on the bus, and walking up to Liverpool one, and I was told to fuck off. Anyone reading this in Merseyside; I can't put into words how nice this place is; the service is great, and the food is even better. Click the link, and have a look. It's expensive, but if you go in the day time, it's 12.50 in the week; which considering the quality of the food; is realy value for money. It shits all over RedHot buffet. There's basically a buffet; with an array of delicious brazilian food, chickpeas, cous cous, salad, and a BBQ ribs(Amazing), and you have a disc on your table; one side is red, and the other side is green; green means that you want meat. My disc was on the green side for a majority of the time I spent there. The waiters bring around different steaks and you can eat as much of it as you want. Go there. You will not be disappointed. So I've probably put about a stone and a half on! I can't change it, but I can know that with my new years resolutions in place I am not too worried about it, because I know that come summer time, I will be down to my target weight of 15 stone. The next time I go to bem brasil will be with my family; if I can drag them over; before I head to Southampton to begin my Merchant Navy career. September can't come soon enough for me. Time to press play, and continue reading I have realized over the past few weeks that it's time for me to move on from this place. I'm socially isolated; it'll be good for me to be surrounded by some like-minded people. I spoke to one friend prior to Christmas; and said I was going to save some money to go out with him; and asked him to give me a ring; it's now the 28th, and still no word; I even sent his G.F a message on facebook; and that fell on deaf ears. Fuck it. I seen the people that mattered. Aside from my GCSE maths exam entrance being paid by my Nan, and Parents; I didn't actually get any presents. Okay, I'm not interested in Christmas; and 95% of me doesn't care; but there's that 5% that wonders why, and how. I was watching Evie on the carousel after the meal yesterday; and was actually welling up! Emma noticed, but didn't say anything; as I told her about it on the way back, and she said she spotted me, but didn't want to say anything. She said "Now you're realizing being a bastard gets you nowhere" - I would say that I am a bastard; I hold grudges- but who isn't a bastard? Sooner or later people will shit on you. So maybe keeping people at arms length is for the best? People grow, people move out, people move away, people move on. I know I can be a hard person to socialize with; but if you can break down my walls of cynicism, and hatred for everything; there's a nice guy in there somewhere. | friend |
Showing posts with label bloggers have no life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bloggers have no life. Show all posts
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
My blog stats, Christmas, and being a loner.
I've been writing this blog for a while now, and it's not really something that I publicise much. Occasionally I will post it on my Facebook page; and occasionally I will put it on my twitter page. This generally depends on the subject. If I'm ranting about something I despise; then I might share it. Not as a general rule though; because I don't hand on heart believe that there's that many people interested in the trials and tribulations of Daniel Bibby. I never knew there was a stats section, and I've just been looking at it now; This is my all time stats up until the point of me posting this:
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Take away the adjectives, and you are left with the facts . . . .
I decided to swerve my usual cycling club run at the weekend for a night of standing in a pub with my mate Goodlet on the quiz machine in wetherspoons. I guess I had a laugh at the time; and the rest of the night is somewhat of a blur; I blame cheeky vimto. I punished my self with an hour long tubo session last night; but I still can't help but feel guilty. I don't think I should drink any more. I say it...too much; but I really can't deal with hangovers. I feel rotten for days after. Alcohol is a depressant, and boy do I feel depressed right now. I'm not sure if it's because I've just been handing CV's out in Liverpool; I handed two out, in four attempts- the two failed attempts, were basically them saying, 'sorry, we've already got staff'- but I'm interpreting it as, "sorry, but you're an ugly bastard".
****
I started writing this earlier on, in a bit of a foul mood. I had to dash out, as I was on a time limit. I had to go the gym; and I had to pick Evelyn up from school. I feel alot better after my gym session; if a little sore. A mate of my from college works in the place; and from the looks of things he knows how to build muscle; which is exactly what I'm looking to do over the coming months. I want to sort my posture out; by working my back more than my chest; work my upper body, because it's been neglected to fuck with all this cycling, and if I carry on, I'll do some serious damage to my back. I also want to build muscle the upper regions to complement my legs, which have had their fair share of working out over the past three years. So yeah; evident inferiority complex right there. I feel repulsive to the opposite sex; I am too fat; despite losing a mammoth amount of weight- the job is not finished. Even if I'd lost the weight, I'm not sure I'd ever be confident. I guess this all stems back to Junior school; Fancying a girl like hell; only to have her toy with me; and pursue all my friends; then going out with another girl, only to come back off holiday to find out she dumped me, and was with another person. Despite it being early in my love-life operations; I feel these moments had a devastating impact on my self consciousness to this date. I remember in Primary school, I fancied a girl called Sarah Evans; and I have not seen her since primary school. I occasionally wonder what happened to her. If I carry on at this rate, I'll be going all "high fidelity" and I don't think now is the right time.
I'm pretty much in obsession mode with this interview. I don't really need to prepare as such; I'm all prepared up to the max, from my previous attempts. I honestly think, if I could just lose 2 more stone before interview, I'd have a better chance There's little I can do from now until then- maybe half a stone max- I am not interested in these crash diets though. I need to just accept it, and hope that they can see through the extra pounds. But then, the realist in my chirps in with "I'd pick skinny over a fatty if I was interviewing"- .I'm working on my weaknesses; which is the Maths side of things. I'm pretty sure it'll be basic stuff; which I'm covering at the moment in my adult numeracy course (Maths for mongs) I guess I'm letting my weight manifest, along with my desire for a career at sea. Fundamentally, I yearn for acceptance. My daughter has just came in, and told me that she smells like a man.(She'd found my aftershave) - Doing my weekly fatherly duties; collect her from school; feed her, and then her mum picks her up. That's another thing that troubles me, but I don't feel like going into to it at all. In English literature; in our first lesson, we did a Poem, by Roger Mc Gough, called 'the railings'. I thought it was shit at the time. 'I can write better than this, this is shit' I thought, and to be honest, I still don't really rate the poem; as face value. What was drawn towards was the relationship that the poet had with his son. I sort of felt like I could relate to the father in the Poem. I pretty much feel like a fish out of water when I'm around Evelyn. I go down to her school to pick her up; and I just want to get away from the place, I don't belong there; and I don't want to belong there. I overhear other street urchin tip-rat parents; with their multitudes of spawn; blathering on inanely about all sorts of crap; from parenting skills to x factor opinions, and what they did at the weekend. I grind my teeth! Although I despise it so much; I still do it every week. Evelyn loves it when I pick her up; and I think she enjoys challenging my authority; apparently "mummy is the boss" - and she is, but I just can't carry on and watch my daughter dawdling along; and gawping at people across the road. I always feel uneasy when a kid is gawping at me on a bus; or what not. So am I wrong to tell my daughter that starring at people for longer than a few seconds is not on? "It's fine to look at people, but to keep doing it, for a long time is wrong, and you might upset people" I told her. "I can look at anyone I want" she sternly responded.
I did tell her mother; but apparently "It's what 4 year olds do" I know I'm a shit dad; I was not ready for fatherhood; and I'm still not ready for it now. I am at least making an effort, even if some people would look at it a farcical level of input. I'm never going to be the paterfamilias! There's worse fathers out there than me, let me tell you. The fact I'm talking about it, and that I feel guilty that I'm not there for her more, hardly makes it forgiveable but I've got my life to live; her mother has a partner - I love Evie to bits; but at arms length is probably the best for all parties. Hopefully, when I'm where I want to be career wise; my relationship with Evelyn will flourish; I'll be able to provide more than a few hours a week. I can sleep knowing she's having a decent upbringing, surrounded by love.
****
I started writing this earlier on, in a bit of a foul mood. I had to dash out, as I was on a time limit. I had to go the gym; and I had to pick Evelyn up from school. I feel alot better after my gym session; if a little sore. A mate of my from college works in the place; and from the looks of things he knows how to build muscle; which is exactly what I'm looking to do over the coming months. I want to sort my posture out; by working my back more than my chest; work my upper body, because it's been neglected to fuck with all this cycling, and if I carry on, I'll do some serious damage to my back. I also want to build muscle the upper regions to complement my legs, which have had their fair share of working out over the past three years. So yeah; evident inferiority complex right there. I feel repulsive to the opposite sex; I am too fat; despite losing a mammoth amount of weight- the job is not finished. Even if I'd lost the weight, I'm not sure I'd ever be confident. I guess this all stems back to Junior school; Fancying a girl like hell; only to have her toy with me; and pursue all my friends; then going out with another girl, only to come back off holiday to find out she dumped me, and was with another person. Despite it being early in my love-life operations; I feel these moments had a devastating impact on my self consciousness to this date. I remember in Primary school, I fancied a girl called Sarah Evans; and I have not seen her since primary school. I occasionally wonder what happened to her. If I carry on at this rate, I'll be going all "high fidelity" and I don't think now is the right time.
I'm pretty much in obsession mode with this interview. I don't really need to prepare as such; I'm all prepared up to the max, from my previous attempts. I honestly think, if I could just lose 2 more stone before interview, I'd have a better chance There's little I can do from now until then- maybe half a stone max- I am not interested in these crash diets though. I need to just accept it, and hope that they can see through the extra pounds. But then, the realist in my chirps in with "I'd pick skinny over a fatty if I was interviewing"- .I'm working on my weaknesses; which is the Maths side of things. I'm pretty sure it'll be basic stuff; which I'm covering at the moment in my adult numeracy course (Maths for mongs) I guess I'm letting my weight manifest, along with my desire for a career at sea. Fundamentally, I yearn for acceptance. My daughter has just came in, and told me that she smells like a man.(She'd found my aftershave) - Doing my weekly fatherly duties; collect her from school; feed her, and then her mum picks her up. That's another thing that troubles me, but I don't feel like going into to it at all. In English literature; in our first lesson, we did a Poem, by Roger Mc Gough, called 'the railings'. I thought it was shit at the time. 'I can write better than this, this is shit' I thought, and to be honest, I still don't really rate the poem; as face value. What was drawn towards was the relationship that the poet had with his son. I sort of felt like I could relate to the father in the Poem. I pretty much feel like a fish out of water when I'm around Evelyn. I go down to her school to pick her up; and I just want to get away from the place, I don't belong there; and I don't want to belong there. I overhear other street urchin tip-rat parents; with their multitudes of spawn; blathering on inanely about all sorts of crap; from parenting skills to x factor opinions, and what they did at the weekend. I grind my teeth! Although I despise it so much; I still do it every week. Evelyn loves it when I pick her up; and I think she enjoys challenging my authority; apparently "mummy is the boss" - and she is, but I just can't carry on and watch my daughter dawdling along; and gawping at people across the road. I always feel uneasy when a kid is gawping at me on a bus; or what not. So am I wrong to tell my daughter that starring at people for longer than a few seconds is not on? "It's fine to look at people, but to keep doing it, for a long time is wrong, and you might upset people" I told her. "I can look at anyone I want" she sternly responded.
I did tell her mother; but apparently "It's what 4 year olds do" I know I'm a shit dad; I was not ready for fatherhood; and I'm still not ready for it now. I am at least making an effort, even if some people would look at it a farcical level of input. I'm never going to be the paterfamilias! There's worse fathers out there than me, let me tell you. The fact I'm talking about it, and that I feel guilty that I'm not there for her more, hardly makes it forgiveable but I've got my life to live; her mother has a partner - I love Evie to bits; but at arms length is probably the best for all parties. Hopefully, when I'm where I want to be career wise; my relationship with Evelyn will flourish; I'll be able to provide more than a few hours a week. I can sleep knowing she's having a decent upbringing, surrounded by love.
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