Ordinary, aimless, and aweful.

The day after I had a little moan about getting rejected by two Merchant navy companies, I potentially got news of two interviews. One assessment day, with a company just over the water, in Liverpool; which I must prepare for, and one of the bigger training outfits told me on the phone, that the next time they interview in Fleetwood, they'll "get me in" - so apart from that, I have been putting it all to the back of my mind; except yesterday, I got an application for Carnival, which needs filling in, and today, I finally sent an email Anglo Eastern, essentially begging for a cadetship in my own idiosyncratic way.  I love the feeling that it's all starting to fall into place. I know I have obstacles to overcome, but I'm 100% about this.

I'm taking a more merciless approached to my affiliates from now. It will result in a more solitary existence, potentially, but I care not. While I might have entertained remedial mind games for a while now; I am no longer doing so. The buck has stopped. It is no longer entertaining. I once played mind games quite a bit; and I was at a pretty advanced level, to say the least; incorporating the lot, guilt, reverse psychology, pity and lies to name a few psychological elements used to further my cause. Playing these mind games became boring; like when the life of a captured sparrow ends- The cat just fucks off, and goes and licks its pussy under a hedge. I'm going to fuck off, and lick my genitals under a hedge now (not literally), find something else to float my boat (literally, hopefully). I’ll be alone under the literal hedge, and I’ll be licking my own literal genitals. Aaahhh.  

 So, Life is like a game of chess; and as funny as it sounds, I never bothered to learn how to play chess- I was more of a draughts man; don't take anything away from me because of this, I'm aware of the fundamentals. I am a prescriber to the Sun Tzu philosophy. I got what I wanted out of draughts; I didn’t need to waste time learning chess. I’d rather read the book, than see the movie as a general rule.

I got off a train last year; when I should have perhaps stayed on it, and been completely honest; maybe I could have tried harder- (Story of my life) - cementing my aphorism that failure is palatable, where as regret is harder to deal with.  Yet failure, and his spotty little twat faced brother rejection, is merely a by-product of trying. When will I be on that train again? Who can say? What I do know, is that I won’t get off next time. I may have had everything handed to me on a plate; the ability, the opportunities, the advice; and yes, I may have not used my ability, taken advantage of the opportunities, or listened to the advice. But I’m here now; and I’m trying, amidst the possibilities of rejection, and that feeling that comes with it.