I was thinking to myself the other day; I always was an under achiever. Always had so much potential, I did. All my school reports were the same throughout school; I was reading my year 11 reports, just last week; that basically said that I am a frustrating student; I'm very bright, creative, intellectual; but unable to spill it over into academic channels. This pattern went back to year 3. I scraped through my HNC in music; paying little attention to the modules I had no interest it; and excelling in the ones I was interested it. I dropped out of university; essentially, the emotional trauma of an abysmal relationship, that I should NEVER have gotten into took it's toll. My drinking, and eating levels sky rocketed! Emotionally, I'm much stronger now.
Nothing has changed really. I'm still putting things off. I haven't really gone to town, at least scholastically anyway. Everything is still rushed, and hurried; always at the last minute. I realise now; I can't keep getting these second chances. I'm doing really well at all my subjects, except Maths. I am trying though; I'm hoping that with my schedule I've made (10 hours per week of cramming on the Mymaths website) that it will all start falling into place. I want to be getting A grades in my mocks, by June; consistently! I am not confident at all; but it's what we've got to go with. Next week; I'm getting tested by my tutor and we're going to identify my weak spots. My tutor Paul, is most excellent. He's dyslexic, so sometimes writes things he doesn't mean; but he's got such a great attitude towards it; it's hilarious- he reckons he's got loads of boxes of pencils at home, and as part of his OCD; he likes to "keep them sharp". He's an excellent teacher though; very passionate about the job, always willing to help; and he's not much older than me. He reminds me of Bill, from Bill and Ted's various adventures. He seems pretty laid back; and seems to think I'll be okay with getting up to speed. I owe him one. Big time.
Now more than ever; I need to not be the person I've always been- somewhat defeatist, procrastination laden and unfocused. It pretty much haunts me on a daily basis. Ticking down the seconds, hours, days and months- June, and my maths papers. Calculator, and non calculator. I have 5 solid months to get it out of the way; and I'm thinking of asking the family, if they can chip in, and get me an hours tuition each Friday evening. I tend to storm through life, declaring that everyone else is such a retard; and people are morons. Well, Daniel, if you don't get this B grade, then YOU are the moron- A big fat moron at that!
Another thing I have to worry about is my weight- but it's nothing compared to the maths conundrum. I've basically gone up an entire stone from November up until now. I'm surprised it's not been more. Over the past 8 weeks or so, I've been living the 'good life' - not so much with the boozing; but with the take away food. then again, I was going the gym, and doing a lot of weight lifting. It could be that? I've got to lose 4 for August; to get myself past the medical. My BMI needs to be below 30; and losing 4 stone, will put me well under. Plus; I don't want to be overweight; or at least appear overweight, when I start my cadet-ship. Like I said; I'm not too worried about this; because I'm hella fit at the moment; and I can burn fat like no body's business. I've ridden 260 miles this year, so far. Hoping to get this up to 400 before January is out.
I realised last week; that I don't want to be known. I get so uncomfortable around Birkenhead, in the shopping area. It might sound like a mixture of irrational thoughts, and paranoia; but, I just want to get out of town as soon as I get there. I worry that people know me, and that I don't know them. It sort of stems back to a few years ago, when one of my exes said "everyone knows about you and you're a prick" - and as funny as it sounds; this echoes in my head; I just want to get out of there. I'm okay over in Liverpool, and other places. I'm thinking it's either something I need to speak to someone about; or something that is normal. I guess that familiarity breeds contempt when you're me.
The life that I'm trying my damnedest to get; will hopefully be worth it. Working, travelling on boats, seeing the world. In my time off; cruising on a live-aboard yacht. I'm so serious about this, it's not even funny. I've got it all planned out. Qualify, save, and buy myself a 30ft yacht! While I'm doing my cadet-ship, I'm going to invest in some RYA courses- in fact, there's a Coastal Day Skipper course running at my college, starting next month. The price on the poster is £395.00- but it's been blacked out. I'm going to certainly look into it. I've done all this quixotic bullshit "idea" stuff before. Getting things in my head; being intensely into it, then the bubble would burst. Not here though. No way. I've always wanted a Yacht. I've been trying to get in the Merchant Navy for 4 years or more. I've been cycling relentlessly for 2 years. I think this is one aspect of my personality which has changed. A bit of resolve has been instilled upon my persona. That's all I'm about really. Becoming Cpt Bibby, Living the cruisers life, and Cycling.
Cooked myself a nice roasted veg cous cous earlier. I slow roasted my cherry tomatoes, with garlic slices on them, mixed peppers, and red onion for 3 hours on a low heat. The peppers and onion were over cooked; but tasty all the same. I put some chicken stock in with the cous cous; and hey presto. Next time, I'm going to add a bit of curry powder, to give it a bit of a kick.
Up at seven, in bed for ten.
10 mile walk tomorrow; and a trip to IKEA.
More to say; but, bed time.