Thursday, 24 January 2013

I'm back with scars to show, back with the streets I know, will never take me anywhere but here...

My city's still breathing (but barely it's true)
through buildings gone missing like teeth.

The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know
Will never take me anywhere but here.
The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand,
the strangers whose faces I know.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say "I wanted it this way"
Wait for the year to drown.
Spring forward, fall back down.
I'm trying not to wonder where you are.
All this time lingers, undefined.
Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.
Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me:
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest,
the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires,
new words for old desires,
and every birthday card I threw away.
I wait in 4/4 time,
Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.

It's 21.16, and I'm sitting confined in my room at Nautical college. The pistachio/baby sick walls that initially depressed me, when I first arrived  are now imprinted on my retinas when I close my eyes. My room is empty now, all my worldly possessions have been loaded into the car. I'll miss the confinement; I've become used to it though.  I'm obviously sitting here, reflecting on the happenings of the past few months, whilst listening to some whingy music; I'm reliving my teens- talking shit and listening to music that stirs my soul; and boy does the track I posted there do that! I've changed, in a good way since September; I'd like to think. From being very 'anti-people'-I've tried to embrace my class mates here; and I'm glad that I did.  I've made some solid friendships while I've been here, and I am thoroughly looking forward to coming back in September to press on with my studies here.  

Academically this college phase has been good- challenging, but good- 0% in my first maths exam; leading up to my end of phase bumper exam, with a cool 91%- It feels great that this improvement has come about and I'm now looking forward to next year, when things get harder. Bring it on. I am ready!
Personally, there's been some dark places visited; places I don't want to go; I can't even speak about them on the public domain- but they have made me appreciate what I've got, and how lucky I am to be here and even more excited about where I'm going. 

What's next?  I don't know really. I head home tomorrow; and I'll spend some quality time with my nearest and dearest. I know that by Monday morning, I'll be wanting away again. My social circle on the Wirral, other than my cycling club, is rather non  existent; one, maybe two people I can call up for a beer.   I suppose that's not a bad thing really. I don't know anything about my first sea phase. My company have not found me a birth on a ship; so I'm literally in the doldrums, unable to plan anything. I've been toying with the idea of going to Krakow, or another Eastern European city, for a few days. Knowing my luck I'll book it, and they'll send for me. 

I'm going to the bar now, to say my goodbyes to my friends; to wish them all the best for their sea phases.
I guess you'll next hear from me when I've got news of my first ship; or when I've had enough of waiting, and decided to fuck off to Kiev or something. 

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