Right, I've had a good week to digest my good news. I've been feeling so under pressure since I got the news if I'm honest. I guess I thought the pressure would be off, being offered the position, but if anything; it's put more pressure on me, how I deal with it is a pretty significant deal breaker pertaining to my future. It's in my hands. I need to get a B in GCSE maths. I have a lot to do. I also need C's in my other subjects, but I'm pretty confident I can put them on the back burner and still get the required grades. Christmas is pretty much sorted. I'm limiting my drinking over Christmas. If I drink; it's a few hours wasted that I could have spent going through maths stuff. I'm aiming for an A. I'm going to spend the next 6 weeks learning all the C/D grade shit ( I know most of it, but I want to be as sharp as possible) then start with the B grade stuff, and lastly A grade stuff, then just keep doing practice paper after practice paper, up until June. My maths tutor is very supportive, and he thinks it's achievable. So now I need to not think about failure. I need to get off facebook, and pull my finger out!
I'm still single, and I guess I'm in need of some affection. I keep having this utopian dream...everything is great; and then I wake up feeling repulsive. I'd usually be out getting completely rat arsed, on a bender, drowning my sorrows; but this time I'm keeping it together. I've realized that's not the thing to do. I have been out since we broke up, and got drunk, but I always knew what was going on. Granted, I'm still not completely out of the relationship, I still live with her; I guess when I eventually fly this nest, I'll have more emotions to deal with; another test for me. I've got two nights out planned over the festive season; I'm going out with people from college, and I'm going out with my brother. I know in her head; I'm going to meet up with X,Y,Z and have all sorts of sexy time- on the contrary. My confidence for that sort of thing is non existent anyway. As far as finding someone else goes, the white flag is already raised...the towel thrown in. Where would I start? My social circle is non-existent. If I go out, it's to arm pit pubs. Dating sites; the wrong kind of people- Morons. I'm ugly, it's just a fact- how I feel daily. I want to concentrate on my career anyway. I miss being in love and all that goes with it. If I can come out of all this, with my grades, down to my target weight of 14 stone; I will seriously be pleased with myself, and hopefully that side of my life will be rekindled. For now it's fuckin' Stalingrad baby!!!
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